Day 21 Entry

Lazy but Not Lost

Today’s sits weren’t sharp. In the morning, I slipped into dozing and even stopped early. Later, after training, the same heaviness returned. On the surface, it looked like weak practice.

But even “lazy” sits compound. Every pause is another deposit in the energetic vault. Some days it’s a big brick, other days it’s pocket change — both keep building the temple.

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Sleepiness as a Signal

Part of the drowsiness came from a heavy meal — a 2k-calorie wave pulled my system into digestion mode. But I can feel it’s not just food. Underlying emotions still tangle into my breath and posture. When awareness touches those knots, my system sometimes just shuts the lights off. Sleepiness becomes less a failure and more a signal of where energy hides.

And this is where patience shows its real teaching. The hard days, the confusion, the years of suffering — they were training in spirit, showing me how to hold my animal without being ruled by it. What many call “enlightenment” is often just this: patience ripened by suffering, restraint ripened by fire.

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Sexual Energy as Teacher

Last night’s edging showed me this from another angle. Holding back release put me face-to-face with the same knots I feel on the cushion: breath shortening, posture collapsing, shame whispering. That practice didn’t drain me — it revealed more. Tonight I’ll return to it, not to chase orgasm, but to sit with my desires and breathe where they still collide.

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Tribal Roots

Society often repeats rules without remembering why. Don’t slouch. Be polite. Speak calmly. What they don’t see is the tribal root: the nervous system reads primal cues first. A slouch signals weakness, a glance signals threat, a steady breath signals safety. When I sit and face my own tangles, I’m re-learning those cues directly in my own body. That patience isn’t abstract — it’s tribal literacy, the kind of thing that lets me move among people with presence instead of performance.

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Closing Reflection

Not every sit needs to be fire. Today’s were soft, sleepy, even lazy — but they still layered another stone. Both meditation and edging reveal where the knots live. Tomorrow’s splits session will serve as a reset, reawakening muscles and flow, and giving the body a chance to stretch open what feels compressed.

Line to carry forward:
Patience is enlightenment in animal form — the spirit learning to hold fire without breaking, the tribe teaching itself through the body.