Day 20 Entry

The Current State

• I noticed that when I don’t put attention on certain parts of my body (like my legs), they “fall asleep.” It’s not that they’re broken — it’s that awareness hasn’t fully tapped in yet. In due time, as awareness grows, I’ll feel fully in my legs, and that same expansion will naturally spike my sexual energy. This is the same current that fuels magnetism with women.
• Recent sits have been more intense. Thoughts flood me with sexual scenarios, but my nervous system stays steady. That shows me I’m not being hijacked by arousal; I’m actually holding it.
• Sometimes, if I lose awareness of my breath, the practice becomes draining instead of charging. Without breath, energy pools in the cock and belly, building pressure without release. That’s when the old cocktail of emotions (shame, doubt) creeps in. Breath reconnects the circuit and dissolves shame into pure energy.
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Shame & Old Mind Patterns

• Shame often feels like a knot in the belly. It impacts breathing and creates a swirl of emotions. But I know now it isn’t true — it’s just old patterns firing. When I dare to go into that discomfort, breathe into the knot, and name what’s happening in my body, the shame begins to untangle.
• Meditation showed me that these old scripts aren’t me. They’re echoes. My job is to sit with them until they soften.

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Desire as Energy, Not Escape

• At times I wondered if these fantasies were a way to escape myself. But meditation revealed the difference:
  • If I end drained or jittery, that’s escapism.
  • If I end charged, steady, and more present, that’s true desire surfacing.
• Fantasies aren’t lies — they’re drafts. They’re my body sketching out blueprints for the kind of sex and intimacy I’m actually built for.

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Integration Practices

• Breath as anchor: Long, slow belly breaths spread energy out of the groin into the whole body. Exhale releases judgment.
• Attention as amplifier: Wherever I put awareness, sensation comes alive. Neglected areas (like legs) wake up when I focus on them.
• Post-session reset: Shower → stretch → meditate again lightly → rest. This closes the loop so energy integrates instead of leaking.

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Closing Reflection

Meditation has stopped being just “quiet time.” It’s now the forge where I’m learning to hold desire, shame, hunger, and breath all in one body. The thoughts that flood me aren’t distractions — they’re tests. Each sit is a chance to choose: collapse into old shame, or ride the wave into sovereignty.

I’m not chasing release; I’m practicing presence. The mind untangles its patterns, the body reveals its currents, and little by little, I feel more like myself than ever.