Day 2 Entry
I went into meditation this morning thinking that the pain wouldn't be the main center of attraction.
It wasn't, until around 90 minutes of sitting still... It didn't take long after that point for me to feel the sharpness of the sensation of pain biting my legs. What's happenning here is the fire eating away at my own conditiionning, so I welcomed it, knowing on the other side, is a freer me.
Whatt conditionning is, basically, is fear that lives in the body and throught sitting still in meditation, one can easily come to terms with it. Its not instantaneous. Meditation is not seeing colors of light and angels. It could happen, tho its not the goal. When you start off, you noticed that your body is often tensed and resistant to stillness. So is the noise in what you call your "mind". By sitting still for a block of 2 hours, you get to experience your own inner turmoil and be present with until after following this process for a while, it starts to dissolve on its own. To feel discomfort after a long duration of meditating is the door to the fire. That's what many people miss. They think its instant peace when you start meditating... Thats just the image of what the spiritual books show you. No, you first got to look at your own burning house and let it burn to ashes to see yourself rise again, this time, as a force that doesn't need to constantly try to force things and events to go your way. You'll see, life is a movement of flow and all you got to do, is learn to back up into life instead of being at the forefronts of the battle...
Back to how the meditation went, today, I noticed my meditation was already more bearable than yesterday. I thought, it won't be counted in terms of weeks before this practice starts to feel enjoyable, but more so in a matter of days.
When there was around 15 minutes left to my 2 hour morning sit. I allowed for my legs to swtich positions. I'm aware that the excrutiating pain my legs were signaling me to move from the discomfort was exactly not true, but I gave myself some grace, and moved for the remaining time left. See, to avoid feeling our bodies, the mind has grown accustomed to giving us false signals to distract us into avoiding feeling. I know what my mind is doing, and I know these little tantrums won't last very long. My body already knows we are not going anywhere. Its just a matter of time before my body fully surrenders to the moment during meditation. It was the same thing with training or any challenging new skill honestly.
Also, there was a light that turns on automatically in my room and I noticed my eyes did not perceive it, which tells me I was focused deeper into my own being to notice outside light.
Even if the pain was bad, I don't know why, my body felt like letting out a few sights, sights of relief, maybe because strangely enough, there was something soothing about it all. See when you have been holding on to so much tension, even if its painful to sit in this releasing process, the body is starting to feel looser, hence why I sighed today. That's a clear sign of progress. To feel more relaxed is a sign of progress. Meditation in a way for me, is a sort of vacation since I train daily and tend to a few matters, so that time is mine to focus on nothing.
