Day 17 Entry

This morning’s sit was erratic. My body felt restless, my mind scattered, dipping in and out without much stability. Still, even shaky practice counts as planting seeds.

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The afternoon brought a deeper shift. I sat on my bed, looking out the window, and played 10% Happier. When Dan Harris spoke about certain spiritual teachers who came from a pseudo-science angle and how he didn't buy into it, I agreed with him—it rang true. Then he moved into topics that felt closer to my own branch, like the impermanence of things and the critic’s grip, and something in me opened.

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While the audiobook played, I didn’t feel like forcing anything. I just sat, listening, and yawning again and again—as if my body, tense for so long, was finally releasing. On my training off day, I could finally feel what it was like to just be with myself: not chasing anything, not performing, just reflecting. I laid down, yawned some more, let my body relax, and then found myself drawn back to meditation.

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After dinner I was hooked—I wanted to sit once more. This time, I went deeper into my body. The scanning wasn’t mechanical; it was alive. The more I did it, the more addicting it became, not because of thoughts but because of pure sensation. Feeling instead of thinking. Relaxing instead of clinging.

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I can sense this practice reshaping me already: my view of the world, how I will approach relationships, even the way I train. Each sit feels like a return to the real body beneath the armor. The curve of peace isn’t linear—it’s exponential.