Day 11 Entry
Today, I didn't sit. I felt a shift from last night's training session that left me questionning the way I was approaching everything in my life and so today, I took the time to step back and look at what needed to change in order for me to reach new levels for myself.
First thing I pondered about, was the fact that when I train, I do training, cardio, kickboxing, and stretching, and then spa. This means I spent my whole days basically training and not doing anything else. It felt like ticking boxes and not actually living.
Second thing is, that I always had earbuds on. Playing music with varying themes in them which all brought the sensation of being a certain identity based on the songs or instrumentals and also they brought around certain emotions I used when doing certain training exercises. But all along, these emotions weren't the ones naturally emanating from my body, so there was something I could no longer unsee...
To me, this new way, to one, train only what my body tells me to and not some mental checklist of shoulds to feel a certain way and second to remove the earbuds and actually be present, so i'm actually available for possible social encounters or possible sexual tension from me just being here, open and not in my own little bubble, shutting the world off...
That's a big realization for me because I AM a sociable person, so no earbuds removes a lot of weight I was putting on myself. Thats like removing the noise that was keeping your from hearing your own hearbeat and the world around you. Now, you aren't muffling the noise of the world nor labelling it as anything other than how it sounds.
Stepping back from meditation and also training, which I didn't do today, reveiled to me where I was approaching things from a limiting angle and now when I do go back into those activities I enjoy, it will be from a different place. I won't meditate with guided sounds or guided voice to cancel the noise around me, I'll just breathe and let my own body's intelligence get accustomed to scanning itself. It doesn't need someone guiding it for that...
Also, I see how I don't need to train 7 days a week as a means to be in the flow. I just go when the impulse calls. No musts or shoulds. Only what feels true in the moment. I'll keep training, sitting in silence, eating massive calories to get huge, but all those things done with already being myself. Not needing them to feel whole, only complimentary.
I also won't be needing to meditate and make myself suffer for needing to be perfectly still... That's just silly.
A step back doesn't mean no progress. Progress is not measured by doing more but by the quality of how you do things over time. Its better to do what feels right and natural than to go overboard, make yourself suffer from unreal expectations and end up doing more but actually missing the point entirely.
